Don’t call it a comeback!

Christmas List

1. Peace on earth

2. Goodwill towards men

3. MICRONAUTS!!!!!!!!!

Secret Santa ideas

It’s almost Christmas, and that means Secret Santa! Stand out this year with these fun tips:

1. You know what people LOVE? Melted cheese! But you don’t want to attract atention by using the microwave. You’re a SECRET Santa! Jam cheese wedges under your arms while you work. Your Sant-ee will be sooo happy!

2. Here’s a fun idea: install a kooky program on your Sant-ee’s computer!  Make it so whenever they move their mouse it starts an MP3 of Jingle Bells! What could be more festive than that?

3. This was a big hit last year: install mistletoe on the ceiling above your secret Sant-ee’s desk. But before you do make sure it’s COVERED in sticky semen! Your co-workers will laugh like crazy when they look up to see what’s dripping! And THAT’S when to steal a kiss!

4. Is your secret sant-ee married? Or single? Either way, there’s a good chance that he or she hasn’t had a REALLY good orgasm in a LONG time. Leave daily notes about how you’d get him/her off if you had the chance! And get ready for FUN at the Christmas party!

5. Raisins. They’re nature’s candy.

6. See below:

Sharpie experiment yields mixed results.

Here’s my solution to the economic crisis:

1. National debt amnesty. All mortgage, credit card, student loan, and payroll loan debt is forgiven immediately. Immediatey implement single-payer national health care by extending medicare to everyone who wants it for free. Instruct GM to run 3 shifts a day in every plant to build plug-in electric cars to be distributed for free to any American who wants one. Build enough free apartments for every American who doesn’t own a home.

2. Pass an immediate radically graduated income tax to pay for #1. Millionaires pay 90%. Billionaires pay 99.9%. Party’s over.

3. If rich people have a problem with #2, buy guillotines.

4. Pay for #3 and #1 with new 100% estate taxes for millionaires.

See? Not so hard. Everybody wins. Except rich people. But they’ve been winning for too long.