Cautious Optimism


Welcome to Eltingville


I Wanna Be Sedated


Waist Watcher Diet Orange high


Calvin hates Jeff Gordon


Dear electricity,

First of all, it’s obvious that I have upset you. You have made that fact abundantly clear. At first, when I was having computer problems last week, I assumed the issue was bad ol’ Windows Vista. When I spent like two hours starting and restarting my computer, only to realize that I had left a disc in the drive? Ouch. I really thought this was a Microsoft problem. I should have noticed you. I’m sorry.

Then there was the issue with the GPS. Yes, I dropped it. Twice. But I should have noticed you. Again, I’m truly sorry. I have to admit that I DO take you for granted sometimes. Yes, I know, a hundred years ago you were unheard of in this part of the country. I understand all of that.

But what have I done to make you this upset?

Last night I could have been killed when you kept cutting out on the highway. I thank you for allowing me to get to the gas station before frying my ignition coil completley. You had my attention then. You really did.

Was it necessary to then cut out the earpiece on my iphone so I couldn’t answer when Graham called? An then to hide the power cord to my laptop in Vermont so I had to find another way to upload garf1 today?

Was all of that necessary?

I get it. There’s a problem. Just let me know what’s wrong. We can work this out. I’m hurting now, too. Honestly.


Cum stains?

Try tonic water. Still? Try seltzer. Then Peanut butter. Then sugarless gum (apply, freeze, repeat). If all this doesn’t get the stain out, ADD MORE CUM.

PS-This is my new favorite band. And I haven’t even heard them yet.

Secret Santa ideas

It’s almost Christmas, and that means Secret Santa! Stand out this year with these fun tips:

1. You know what people LOVE? Melted cheese! But you don’t want to attract atention by using the microwave. You’re a SECRET Santa! Jam cheese wedges under your arms while you work. Your Sant-ee will be sooo happy!

2. Here’s a fun idea: install a kooky program on your Sant-ee’s computer!  Make it so whenever they move their mouse it starts an MP3 of Jingle Bells! What could be more festive than that?

3. This was a big hit last year: install mistletoe on the ceiling above your secret Sant-ee’s desk. But before you do make sure it’s COVERED in sticky semen! Your co-workers will laugh like crazy when they look up to see what’s dripping! And THAT’S when to steal a kiss!

4. Is your secret sant-ee married? Or single? Either way, there’s a good chance that he or she hasn’t had a REALLY good orgasm in a LONG time. Leave daily notes about how you’d get him/her off if you had the chance! And get ready for FUN at the Christmas party!

5. Raisins. They’re nature’s candy.

6. See below:

Need sleeeeeeep

Christmas Rapping