Dear electricity,

First of all, it’s obvious that I have upset you. You have made that fact abundantly clear. At first, when I was having computer problems last week, I assumed the issue was bad ol’ Windows Vista. When I spent like two hours starting and restarting my computer, only to realize that I had left a disc in the drive? Ouch. I really thought this was a Microsoft problem. I should have noticed you. I’m sorry.

Then there was the issue with the GPS. Yes, I dropped it. Twice. But I should have noticed you. Again, I’m truly sorry. I have to admit that I DO take you for granted sometimes. Yes, I know, a hundred years ago you were unheard of in this part of the country. I understand all of that.

But what have I done to make you this upset?

Last night I could have been killed when you kept cutting out on the highway. I thank you for allowing me to get to the gas station before frying my ignition coil completley. You had my attention then. You really did.

Was it necessary to then cut out the earpiece on my iphone so I couldn’t answer when Graham called? An then to hide the power cord to my laptop in Vermont so I had to find another way to upload garf1 today?

Was all of that necessary?

I get it. There’s a problem. Just let me know what’s wrong. We can work this out. I’m hurting now, too. Honestly.


Today is the greatest day

My coundown clock is broken

Maybe we can sell new ones to conservatives. Or white supremacists. Or, you know, liberals. I bet they’re pissed.

Garf1 iphone app

Is now in beta testing. I’m going to be in my room for a while. Don’t knock.

Cum stains?

Try tonic water. Still? Try seltzer. Then Peanut butter. Then sugarless gum (apply, freeze, repeat). If all this doesn’t get the stain out, ADD MORE CUM.

PS-This is my new favorite band. And I haven’t even heard them yet.

2008: The year in review


I’m sending some shoes to the President

“This is a farewell kiss, you dog. This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq.”

Amen, brother. Amen.